I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
