Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
