This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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