I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize