walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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