I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
