Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
