I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
