So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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