I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
