Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
