My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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