I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
