I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize