I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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