In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
