Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
