I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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