I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
i think my cat just said my name.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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