She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
