Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
