We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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