My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
