i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
