You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
