Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
