I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
