Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
