I accidentally had phone sex last night
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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