I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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