dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
