apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
