When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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