I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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