She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
