he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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