We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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