I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you would pick up someone in the library
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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