i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
