I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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