I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
