I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
