Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Holy shit dude........stairs
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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