for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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