What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
