Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
