What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize