I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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