You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
