I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the day after is always just damage control
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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