I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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