I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
pop tarts are not kleenex
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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