Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
