Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize