$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
