Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
