i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
