I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This baby is an asshole
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
