I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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