And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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