Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
home. puking in laundry basket.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
