Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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