I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Ketchup is God's man juice
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
