the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
