I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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