How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
