This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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