He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
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