I heard we made out
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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