just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
