I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
