New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
